Schadenfreude Review: Cool It, Baby

COOL IT BABY
1967
Directed by Lou Campa, sort of.
Written by Joespeh Marzano, sort of
The Blame belongs to Harry Novak



COOL IT BABY is what we at The Schadenfreude Conclave designate a Couples’ Only Film. That’s not just a recommendation, it’s a rule. Surprised? Eyebrows arched in disbelief? Are you upset that we are throwing Fascist Rules at you when all you wanted to do was read a little review? Get over it. This flick is not dirty. It is not raunchy. It is not scandalous. It’s messed up. Really messed up. Wanna know the plot? Screw the plot!


Here at the facts, 6 sets of boobs, two of which are quick flashed shots. The other boobs are of a general high quality. No girl ass, no vagina, no boy ass, no penis. There is a lot of groping scenes. Actually it is just one long session of grope with no advancement of nudity or passion. You know, how nobody does, ever, especially when they are already down to their underwear? There’s some nude modeling, some lesbian teasing, a little oral sex hinting and then THEY BEAT A WOMAN TO DEATH WITH A PAIR OF PLIERS!


It comes out of nowhere. You’re sitting there. Getting good and titillated by the lovely sixties lingerie and then wham! There’s a basement and a girl getting beaten with a table full of objects that look like they were just grabbed from any workman’s bench, that is EXCEPT FOR THE WELDING TORCH. AHH! Pure Schadenfreude glory! Now relax, there’s only a little blood on the extremities, but that’s as gory as it gets. . . . except for the death, of course.


And from there it all goes uphill. There’s a teen being drugged and used in a variety of ways, there’s a Satanic ritual, there’s a orgy, there’s clip on ties. Then, it gets real ugly.


Yes, in answer to your first question after seeing this movie, it did take only five days to shoot it. And yes, it only cost seven thousand dollars. Even in 1967, that’s cheap. But a whole lotta bad can be done in five days, especially with an experienced crew like this one.


Most of the nasty stuff is narrated by a ‘witness’ with no attempt at dialogue. The narration is choppy, with lots of Mamet-ing pauses in it. The Schadenfruede Veracity Detector had trouble telling if the script was Improvised or not, but there is a 75% likely-ness of some serious ‘faking it’. All the rest of the movie consists of court scenes held in some schmucks’ office. They are more boring than your Uncle Billy telling stories of pouring molasses down at the Molasses factory during a blizzard. All the writing is pretty bad. There isn’t a single line which isn’t clumsy, over-worded, cliché or completely extraneous to anything that’s happening. Which of course, calls for congratulations. Now, that takes real Schadenfruede talent!!



Some fun stuff particular to this flick are:
The outlandish writing.
The completely inappropriate movie scoring
The TORTURE



Classsic bad movie elements contained in this Flick
Bad or non-existent acting
All sexual behavior is rationalized by drugs
Lots of sitting around in generic offices


THE DRINKING GAME FOR “Girl in Trouble”


TAKE A DRINK WHEN:
Lesbian flirting
Every time a breast appears ( look closely!)
Every time Monica hits a girl
You see the worst black hat in the world ( it happens early, you’ll know)

CHUG A WHOLE BEER WHEN:
You see the PLIERS!
A young blonde eat some candy
Boxer shorts!!!!


IF ONE HAS TO WRITE A COLLEGE ESSAY FOR FILM CLASS


Cool it Baby splits the world into two realms, that of the Judged and that of those who sit in Judgment. Marzano crafts a lurid and frigid tale, placing the stifling coldness of the legal questioning scenes with the actual scenes of sexual degradation into juxtaposition. They blend into a euphony of discordant angst that atrophies all the characters’ philosophies into gamy rationalizations. We are left to ask, why does the soap leave not marks? Because none of us are truly clean.



SCHADEN FREUDEN SCORE
Elements: 8 (out of 10 )
Titillation: 3 (out of 5)
Wrongness: 4 (out of 5)
Style & Funness: 3 (out of five)
Extra points: 2 (out of five)
TOTAL: 20 (out of 30 )

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