Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Heart’s Club Band
1978
Directed by Michael Schulz
I have seen deliberate rudeness. I have seen calculated acts of destruction. I have witnessed evil. I have been present at catastrophic events wrapped in the macabre and disturbing. I have shown and been shown images and pictures that have made the brave weep and the numb wince, and I have personal knowledge of certain actions that involve the deepest, most degrading aspects of human nature that have blighted entire regions of the mass consciousness.
But now, I have seen Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band.
This movie is the founding film of the Schadenfreude Order of The Scarred Collective Unconscious. To be rewarded the Schadenfreude OSCU, you must view a film judged to be a member of the Order. And that is the entire move, from first image to the last credit. No fast-forwarding, no bathroom visits, no cheating! Short trips to the fridge are allowed, but any absence longer than 27 seconds will invalidate the SOSCU, and mention of this failure will be added to your permanent record.
Generally, we try not to publish too many details of the movie we review. Previous knowledge of plot and the like dulls the pain, and invalidates the suffering necessary for the S.O.S.C.U. to retain the worth in its achieving. But there is no revelation that will prepare the mind for the utter devastation that is Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. If you have ever wondered how we at the At Schadefreuden Conclave set our standards, this movie is the yardstick with which we punish your inner child.
A high-scoring Schadenfreude Film ( such as My Body Hungers, 25 out of 30 ) delivers all the fun a really bad movie can in a milieu that is strange and foreign. Its that good natured romp through the imagination and depravity that makes one laugh and wonder ‘what were they thinking?’ Sgt Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band, is not this. It is not fun. It is not easy. Viewing it is work. Hard work. And the sheer horror of each scene is only eclipsed by the sheer horror of the next scene. There is little time for fun or any pleasant mental activity during this film, as one’s mind is completely filled with the enormity of the mistake this film is, was, and always will be.
At least half of horror is the cast. Huge top flight talent such as George Burns, Alice Cooper, Peter Frampton, The Bee Gees, Billy Preston, George Martin ( the Beatles’ own record producer), Donald Pleasance and even Steve Martin all are in this movie, and all actively suck! Only Aerosmith and Earth, Wind and Fire escape the huge Suck brush as it smears its rainbow hue of filth across the faces of Hollywood. Adding insult to sucking chest wound, the movie ends with the scene of a large crowd of the finest talent the Seventies’ had to offer re-creating the Beatles’ Sgt Pepper’s album cover. This mass of Inhumanity includes Tina Turner, the band Heart, Sha-Na-Na, several Carridines, Carol Channing, Johnny Winter, Helen Reddy, Gwen Verdon, Hank Williams jr., Al Stewart, Leif Garrett, Rick Derringer, Del Shannon, Donovan, Johnny Rivers, Jose Feliciano, Seals and Croft, Connie Stevens, Wolfman Jack, Dr. John, Wilson Pickett, Robert Palmer, Bonnie Raitt, Anita Pointer (of the Pointer Sisters ), Curtis Mayfield and mucho mucho mas! And then this group is given choreography. And, of course, the choreography fails, and sucks. There is the look of unwilling contractual obligation on many of the stars’ faces, and the camera has to hunt for close-ups that aren’t faces of overly made-up, strained, confused, drug addled Seventies icons that are having trouble with their left and the right. The camera’s hunt fails. This final moment of the movie is as jaw dropping as the first.
The first moment is that of WWI being ended by a four piece band. Just let that soak in for a second. Poison gas and the Kaiser all just give up because of a guy with a tuba. We are then shown a long montage, scored by the theme song being played in the style of historical periods that have never existed. This movie is so bad, it had to recreate reality to contain it’s evil. Then, with the two exceptions above, covers of The Beatles’s are performed horribly. They are linked with a plot that does not make sense even when hallucinating on acid (we checked). And there is no dialogue. Yeah. That’s right. No dialogue. George Burns narrates the whole thing, and then the lyrics of the songs tell us everything else we need to know, except for ‘there is a limit to how much cocaine you should do in one decade’.
The broad variety of stars ensures a special kind of pain, because someone you love or like is in this film; for if you don’t like George Burns, you probably like Steve Martin, or if you don’t like Aerosmith you probably like The Bee Gees. At least one stars’ untouchable illusion will be shattered for you, guaranteed! For us at the board, the Steve Martin dance number was particularly shattering, and yes, it was worse than The Pink Panther. The Pink Panther is frigging Citizen Kane compared to Sgt. Pepper. No that’s not extreme enough. Oh let’s face it, there is no Metaphor extreme enough to describe Sgt. Pepper.
Still doubt that the enormous suckatudalinous of this Sucking suck-munch of a Suckily made Suck-burger sucks? Get this, it was the second attempt by the Bee Gees to make a cover movie of the Beatles music. Yeah, that’s right! They had practice and they still made a movie so bad it burned it’s own picture out of the dictionary under ‘bad’, like in ‘Raider’s of the Lost Ark’! The art documentary, “All This and WW II” featured Beatles’ covers by most of the music artists in the final shot of Sgt. Peppers set to documentary footage of WW II and WW II personalities. Picture yourself watching Hitler at Berchtesgaden while Helen Reddy croons ‘Fool on The Hill'. That’s the whole movie, stock footage and Beatles’ covers. Then they go and make Sgt Peppers! What the. . .how could they. . . .couldn't they see the. . . .ahem. Sorry. Better now.
When bracketed by the Bee Gee’s “All This and WW II” and Julie Tamor’s ‘Across the Universe’, Sgt Pepper’s gets even worse. We now know it was possible to make a Beatle’s cover movie that does not violently suck the tailpipe of the Universe’s Pinto Hatchback. We also now know the same group tried it twice, and failed. Armed with this knowledge, the viewing of Sgt. Pepper’s becomes the type of psychological experience that could piss off Pollyanna, take Buddha out of nirvana and make Paris Hilton a decent person. We do not recommend this movie. We hope you see it soon.
Some fun stuff particular to this flick are:
Fun? Fun? THERE IS NO FUN!
Classsic bad movie elements contained in this Flick
How about too much budget, to much cocaine, too little control. Classic Hollywood!
THE DRINKING GAME FOR “Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts' Club Band”
Just keep drinking, man. Just keep drinking. If you don't drink, start.
IF ONE HAS TO WRITE A COLLEGE ESSAY FOR FILM CLASS
This film has done enough damage.
SCHADEN FREUDE SCORE
Elements: (X out of ten )
Titillation: (X out of five)
Wrongness: (X of five)
Style & Funness : (X out of five)
Extra points: (X out of five)
TOTAL: ( UNSCORABLE out of 30 )
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