Kids or Poo?

An interesting etiquette question came up during a recent visit to a local coffee shop. In the men’s room there was a urinal and a sit down commode, without a separating wall between them, and the bathroom door was lockable. So, when using the urinal, do you lock the door?


It is conceivable that two men could stand and urinate together without being socially awkward. And it is a coffee shop, so it is polite to make as much room as possible. The bladder you save may be your own!


BUT! If you were defecating, would you want some guy taking a whiz right next to you as you do it? Um, no. That’s not Miss Manners. It’s just weird. You lock the door. So, after contemplation and referencing Miss Manners and the Cokely Stiffly Necking’s Guide to Deportment, I have ruled that in a bathroom with two conveyances unseparated by wall you may lock the door without shame or a black mark on your permanent record of decency and kindness.


And then I shot myself.


Why? Because I spent time that I could of used for pleasure or the killing of pain to think about proper method of the disposing of body wastes. I literally pissed my time away. You know, like watching reality TV.


Americans have set some records in the realm of hypocrisy, but they have totally raised the bar to new heights when it comes to sex and how we treat our sexual organs. Fortunately, this isn’t too new of a problem, as a good friend of mine, Montaigne, talked about a few centuries ago.


Each one avoideth to see a man born, but all run hastily to see him die. To destroy him we seek a spacious field and full light; but to construct him, we hide ourselves in a dark corner and work as close as we may.


Don’t worry if you don’t know Montaigne. He wrote books, not websites, and has never screwed Paris Hilton, so there’s no real reason why any American should know who he was. He’s got a hell of a point though, don’t he? There is a daily fight over how much we should talk about sex, but nobody fights about violence. That stuff is great! Give us more of it! Kids love it! Grandparents love it! The biggest office building in the world is dedicated to the successful and continuous management of it! While at the same time the leading lawyer in the nation is putting clothing on Greek statues.


A little more perspective: a neighbor might think twice about chastising another neighbor for striking their spouse or children, but you wouldn’t hesitate for a second to yell if that neighbor lowered his trousers and took a juicy crap on your lawn in full view of the entire street. Why? Because our feces is more important to us than our loved ones.


And I’m not kidding. Our way of life proves it.


Every major city in America is having problems funding their Child Protective Services, their Police force and all other welfare services, but those sewers are working great! Who gets paid more, plumbers or teachers? What is cared for more, our feces, or the impoverished sick? It is possible that a person can be so disgusting that they will be ignored, but even the smallest piece of crap will receive attention for someone, and eventually it will be put in it’s proper place.


In America, more money is spent on the proper disposal of feces than on the alleviation of suffering. We would much rather spend money on the maintenance of suffering, as long as it smells like roses. And even if every single American out there is okay with that, even if every single American thinks that’s a good thing, even if every American believes with all their heart that there crap doesn’t stink, it isn’t. And the dead laugh at what we cherish, and wait for the inevitable day when we will ourselves die and smell just like the feces we’ve avoided, foolishly, our entire lives.


Don’t forget to flush.